Baby, I am not down after all

No, this is not my honeymoon nor was it a random spring break hook-up.

Lights off, checked. Noisy television blaring in the background, checked. Fresh white bed sheets in some random beachside hotel in Queensland, checked. Finally the most important ingredient in the recipe, a hot blonde lad in between my legs, checked.

No, this is not my honeymoon nor was it a random spring break hook-up. Well, not technically anyway, because this lad who is attempting to give me my first oral job is actually just a trusted good friend of mine. But unfortunately for him, I bailed in the very last minute because I was too nervous.

I am not afraid to admit that I have never fooled around with anyone else, not even kissing! Then again, I have never been that interested in romance, unlike many of my close friends. In my world, I grew up perceiving my friends of the opposite as my brothers, instead of potential partners.

I have often wondered about sex growing up. From time to time I would hear stories from other girls about their experiences when they had sex for the first time. These stories would mostly revolve around the girl being pressured into having sex, for the purpose of preventing their partners from ghosting them after they had done the deed. This strengthened my resolve to find an understanding and experienced man when I finally decide that it was time for me to pop it.

To be honest, the idea of virginity was never a big deal for me personally and I am aware that many hold beliefs to the contrary.  This is probably a surprising fact about me seeing as I grew up in a very strict Asian household. Sex was a taboo concept that my parents talked about. In fact, I have never even seen my parents kiss! They had never specifically told me that I could not engage in sexual intercourse, but they were very vehemently against me and my siblings from dating when we were in high school. You have to wait until you are at least 21 years old, do not watch pornography because it is evil and bad for you, my mum used to tell us.

The image I had of sex had come from three sources. The media, my friends and from sex education classes, which were all about abstinence and STDs. No one really told me that sex is actually teamwork and both parties have to consent to it. Shocking, I know.

Stories from famous Asian authors like Catherine Lim had mostly depicted scenes where the women were forced to have sex because it was their matrimonial duties. Sex was rarely pleasurable and it was done to please their husbands and create babies. Any girls that had sex before they were married would never be able find a husband in the future as they were seen as easy or sluts.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived in Australia and learnt that pre-marital sex was normalized in Western nations, and it could be a very pleasurable and fun activity for all parties. This was one of the reasons that sparked me to ask one of my good friends whom I have often discussed sex with, to show me a few moves in the bedroom. Since he often boasted about his oral skills, I was curious to see if he was as good as he had claimed. It was not planned beforehand so there were some miscommunications. I purely thought it would just be oral sex but he on the other hand was thinking maybe it could lead to something more, like actual penetrative sex.

He stopped after he noticed that I was very uncomfortable and too nervous to continue. He was very understanding and just brushed it off as an awkward experience we would laugh at ten years down the road.

Words by Amelia Lim
Art by Phoebe Roberts

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