The golden rules of opening nudes in public

My first sexual dilemma, if you can even call it that, involves Snapchat. We all know how much mischief people, namely us as horny AF millennials, can get up to on Snapchat.

In between comprising selfies from drunken nights out or snaps of brunch, there are, *drum roll*, NUDES. Hot pics with saucy messages which disappear after a few seconds. But what I’d really like to discuss is when these said images are not exactly uncalled for, but when they’re totally unsolicited. And that is my issue, receiving these pictures in public.

Everyone sends nudes regularly, if it’s to spice up a relationship, or to get someone interested- there are many, many reasons. When I receive dick pics nowadays, I genuinely don’t care that much. I’ve gotten so many that my eyes kind of just glaze over and I click on the snap to make it go away. The biggest problem is that sometimes these photos are from my male FRIENDS. I thought I was safe to think that their snaps would be them at work, or hopefully of their gorgeous dogs! Nope.

The first time I received a nude in public was a few years ago. Luckily, I was holding my phone close to my face, so no one else could see the picture. Did I mention this guy sent it on Whatsapp. Who even sends dick pics on Whatsapp?  Anyway, I deleted immediately and went on with my day. Fast-forward to 2016, one of the busiest years of my life to date. I still wonder how I managed to successfully (and guiltily) sext about 4-5 people simultaneously sometimes.

I was fucking livid, I had never been this desirable in my life so of course in the moment, this was very exciting.  *Minor spoiler alert* Like most things, they’re too good to be true.

There were times when my the people I messaged fell asleep mid-sext (I must be so exciting, right). To make it even worse, they would think it was totally normal to send me dick pics at 9am the next morning. Sure, generally I would just look at it and be like whatever, then continue to go with my day.

One morning, I was at university. I was sitting alone in a room full of people doing some individual study. I received a snap from Dan (we’ll call him that for the sake of anonymity). The part of me who always wants to see the best in a person thought it would be a cute selfie or something saying thanks for last night. This was something he regularly did this. But no, it was a full morning wood in broad daylight for me and everyone who was behind me to see. I could feel the vibe of secondhand embarrassment everywhere. I made a dash for it. And you better believe I didn’t look back.

I thought I’d learnt my lesson, after this I told him to ALWAYS message me beforehand if he was sending something lewd, and I would do the same. This went fine for months until more guys started sending these pictures on a regular basis. Most of the time, I was just chilling in bed so I didn’t bother giving them the “please tell me when you’re sending a dick pic” talk. Everything went well for a while, I was back at my sexting peak and loving it.

Fast forward to January this year. I was in one of the most sexually oppressive countries in the world. It is literally illegal to hold hands in public. I get a Snapchat from a friend of mine who I occasionally talk to, he sometimes hits me up sexually but it had been a long time since he did that. So lil’ ol’ innocent me opens the pic, (did I mention I was at a mall, with thousands of people around me?) It was, once again, a full morning hard-on (I forgot about the time difference…). I was horrified. I sent a quick message back saying, “You could have fucking gotten me arrested.” That stopped the reign of unsolicited dick pics.

So this brings me to my golden rules of opening nudes in public.

Ultimately, if you know you have some usual suspects on Snapchat, be clear with them from the get go. Tell them you’re out when you’re in the middle of sexting, they’ll be a little more understanding. Or you know, that you’re in an overseas country and a dick pic is reason enough to be criminally charged.

If you’re messaging people who get off on others seeing their dick in public, put down this magazine for a second and ditch ‘em right now. Or if you know you’re receiving a nude just do the quick double tap on the Snapchat screen and pretend it was a glitch if someone was looking over your shoulder.

All jokes and boners aside, this point I am going to raise last but not least, is the one to be taken the most seriously. If you hate dick pics, or the idea of receiving nudes at all – tell them. This is a mistake a lot of people make with nudes. Always remember you never have to do or engage with anything you’re not comfortable with.

That’s enough from me about public nudity via instant message. You are probably wishing that you never receive one ever again, at least not in public.

Written by Miss Jay (Esperanto Magazine’s sex columnist)

Art by Iliwa Iriamai

IG – @iliwa.i

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